25 Years and Counting Part 1

As many of you know on Feb. 23 Tina and I will have been married for 25 years.  Just the other day somebody asked me how we did it, and then asked for some advice.  I thought about that and decided to share with you at least 25 things I have learned over these amazing years with the bride of my youth.

Let me first tell you that I am incredibly in love with Tina.  I can most assuredly tell you that I love her more today than I did when I married her, guess it just works that way.  In fact if you don't love your spouse more today, then you are not working at it. So lets get going! 

I would be naive to think that I have learned all there is about marriage and I beginning to realizing that I have a long way to go, but it is my sincere desire to take what I have learned and encourage others in their marriage.

Let me set some ground rules for my sharing:
1. These are not in order chronologically.
2. I didn't learn all these in the first 5-10 years, most took longer (I am slow like that).
3. You may not have to learn all of these as I did.  How you were raised will determine that.
4. Marriage is hard and it takes work, I love the work if you are asking.
5. A healthy successful marriage begins with God at the center.
6. I gave each lesson a unique name and posted thoughts to help make my point.

Lesson One -  The Gambler Lesson

Kenny Rogers released a song some years ago called the Gambler.  For those of you old enough to remember the song you will recognize the chorus:
                      You got to know when to hold 'em,
                      Know when to fold 'em,
                      Know when to walk away,
                      Know when to run.
                      You don't count your money,
                      While your sittin' at the table,
                      There will time enough for counting when the dealin's done.

So what does this have to do with Marriage?

As I have counseled many who were on their way to the chapel to say, "I do's", I have learned a most important lesson, we all have to be good at Gambling.

Marriage begins with the game we call dating.  I will be the first to tell you that dating is a flawed system and in my counsel today I encourage a modified dating system for singles.  What I find so often is during the dating process the biggest mistakes are made.  You have to do what the song says, know when!

So many people today marry for the wrong reasons and wake up one day realizing that they made an enormous mistake, mistakes that will cost them their future. 

A wise gambler will know the rules of the table and know when his investment is taking him further than he is willing to go.  Go with me here a little.  When you have a bad hand you can either fold or bluff.  So many today attempt a bluff out of fear of being alone, or their clock was ticking beyond the "acceptable" time, maybe even due to pressure from parents.  However when you bluff, you have to be willing to stand on the hand.  A wiser choice would be to fold 'em and walk away and yes sometimes you need to run (P.S. Some of you need to learn to listen to those who love you and listen to the advise given by those who care).

Quite honestly in today's sexually raged society the only consideration one has in dating is to fulfil a very selfish need of physical gratification with no consideration of what is lost.  If you know your opponent (Satan) has two Aces in his hand and is playing as a cheat (another Ace under the table) you wouldn't bet all in.  But tragically so many jump without considering the consequences and their hand couldn't win under any circumstance.

The Gambler Lesson helps us to see how important it is to allow God to lead you to the wife/husband He designed for you.  Don't settle for second best, wait and allow God to bring you the best.

Before going on one might ask this question: What do you do when you realize you made a bad decision?  Easy - Honor God by honoring your commitment, ask God to give you a heart of love for the one you said you love, ultimately remember God allows do-overs and when we are faithful, He is faithful (I didn't mean in that we can walk away, once you are all in and it's time to show your cards you are at the mercy of your decision, suck it up and do the right thing).

Lesson Two - Don't get even, get even

Depending on how you were raised will determine how you fight.  Every good marriage has it's fights.  I have often heard some exclaim that they never have fights in their marriage.  One of two things is true of those marriages: 1) You never talk and/or 2) You never spend time together.  If you are breathing and you are in a relationship with another human there will be conflict.  Most men just agreed with that statement and I would go further by saying every man needs a good woman to teach him how to have conflict (just kidding ladies).

It is important to consider as well that men and women fight differently.  When men fight they can beat the fool out of each other, shake hands and go on with life as normal.  But women when they fight it's for keeps.  Two women will beat, pull hair, pinch and scream at one another, it never ends and goes on to eternity.   They hate one another forever.  Knowing this helps you be a better husband, trust me on that one.

Conflict in marriage is normal, how you resolve that conflict is critical to your making it beyond the 5-10 year mark.  The thing missing from most marriages is premarital counseling that teaches couples how to resolve conflict.  The Bible gives us one small nugget of truth that when we heed it we will find success: 

Ephesians 4:26-27 (MSG)
²⁶ Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. ²⁷ Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.



So what do I mean by Don't get even, get even.  When conflict comes into your relationship you have to lower yourself to a point of submission to admit that any conflict that gets out of control is sinful and does not represent Christ and His love for us.  The Bible teaches us to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile.  When we do this we exhibit the work of Christ in our lives.


Get even by allowing yourself to look at the circumstances surrounding the conflict and determine what will be helpful too resolve the conflict.  Once you slow down and seek to resolve conflict you will be capable of becoming a peacemaker.  Scripture say:
Matthew 5:9 (MSG)
⁹ "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.



That's about it for today.  I hope to post more in the days to come.  I truly pray this encourages and help you build a lasting relationship as examples of Christ unfailing love.