25 Years and Counting Pt. 6

I have been in Southern California for the last four days and although I have learned many great things and been encouraged greatly, I can't wait to get home to see my bride.  In these 25 years I have learned that being away emphasis' my great love for her and even causes me to value these lessons I have learned all the more.

Lesson - Leave sometime

As I have said before, in all marriages there are times when you will fight about things.  Statistics tell us there are three primary reasons for divorce; money, sex and children.  If you are breathing you know that conflict is a part of life.  Unfortunately most of us do not know how to resolve conflict, therefore it is very complicated to do life togehter.

I have learned that sometimes you have to leave.  I know that some of you will have trouble with this lesson, however there have been those times when our disagreements escalated to the point that the only way to resolve them was for one of us to walk away.  For me, leaving was the best thing I could have done.  At this point some of you are misunderstanding what I am saying, I am not saying to leave for hours or days, but leave by driving around the block or walking down the street to cool off and to consider my actions.  It was in these times that I realized that in most of the struggles I was at fault and many times wrong.

Marriage is about mutual submission.  For a marriage to survive a couple must learn when to surrender their wills and emotions, deciding at some point their spouse is more important over self.  Selfishness is at the core of most marriage failures.  Learning to leave may cause you to realize your selfishness.

The Leave sometimes lesson leads me to the next lesson I have learned:

Lesson - Learn to admit when you are wrong

Have you ever been wrong?

Although it is hard to admit for most men, being wrong is not only possible, it is a regular occurrence.  In contrast to popular opinion men do make mistakes and do things that are not right.  Often times we will sacrifice relationships just to be right.

When we realize that we are all fallible and capable of doing wrong, it will allow us to resolve most relationship issues.  It will set us up to ask the difficult questions about our relationships and then take the time to make things right.

Learning to say you were wrong is one of the most important lessons you can learn to be a spouse in a growing marriage that will stand the test of time.

Haiti Update

25 Years and Counting Pt. 5

Good evening from Southern California.  I have been enjoying seeing Saddleback Church and hearing from Rick Warren, Perry Noble and Andy Stanley today, WOW!  Today I am continuing the 25 years and Counting post, sharing with you the top 25 things I have learned in my marriage to Tina for the last 25 years.  I for one have enjoyed sharing these and I pray they encourage you.

Lesson - Looking out for number 1

From the moment we are born we begin to look out for number 1 and we think that everything revolves around us.  As we grow older, especially in our teen years we believe that everything happens in our world for us. 

I have learned that the most successful marriages happen when each spouse understands that looking out for number one is essential.  You may not understand at this point so let me fill you in, number one is not you, it's your spouse.  I would like to say that I have completely learned this lesson, however I have learned that it is one of the toughest lessons to master.

When I place the needs of Tina over myself it exhibits my love for her.  I wish I could take credit for learning this lesson, however it has been at the feet of my wonderful wife that I have learned sacrifice and care for the one you say you love.  Tina has taught me over these 25 years what it means to look out for number one. 

Since our first day together Tina has sacrificed and given way beyond what I could have expected.  Here's an example:  I am traveling this week to a conference in Southern California.  To make this trip a success I needed clothes for the week.  Tina put me above herself to make sure I had everything I needed.  She is awesome.

Unfortunately I counsel so many couples who have never learned much less practiced the lesson of Looking our for number 1.   I would encourage you to try it, I will promise you will love the results.  Oh, by the way, if you put your spouse first just to get something, you will find it doesn't work.  You must have clear motives to find this lesson to be successful.

Lesson - Ability isn't equal to Stability

This lesson came early on in our marriage.  It came at a time when my health was failing and my job situation was less than successful.  As I lamented during this time, Tina assured me she was ok, however I could tell she was struggling. 

As men we get our status and self confidence from our job and what we do.  What I found is that Tina wasn't so concerned about what I did, but she really wanted to  be assured of me being there for the long haul.  Stability is what she desired more than anything else.  In these 25 years my number one goal in being a good spouse is to assure her that I would be there and I would provide a stable home.

For women the home is their place of security.  Their natural bent is to provide a safe place, a clean place, a warm place and a comforting place for their spouse and children.  Sometimes we think that a home is a specific location with a house and furniture, however I have learned that home is not so much about the house and furniture as it is about the family that lives in the house.  Through the years I have seen many who have a nice house, but no home.  They have all the things that fill a house, but lack the peace that comes from being a family that is stable.

Stability is about commitment.  In Biblical times a commitment between two people was called a covenant.  David and Johnathan covenanted together, God made a covenant with Abraham.  Covenants marked a stable relationship built on mutual commitment.     Today our marriages resemble contracts and contracts can be broken, therefore marriage is a short term relationship at best.  Is your marriage a stable covenant commitment that will make it until death do you part?


Until next time I pray you will begin to consider some of these lessons and allow God to build into your life a marriage that will stand the test of time.

I am praying for each of you!  If you are married I pray for your marriage.  If you are singles I pray that God leads you to the spouse He has planned for you.  God bless you all!

Unique Visitors to the Fellowship Dayz Blog

Recently I have been monitoring the visits to our blog.  It has become very interesting and made me a little curious about those who visit.  I thought I would let you regular visitors know where some of the visits have come from:
Cottondale, FL
McDonough, GA
Griffin, GA
Moscow, Russia
Roswell, GA
Washington DC
Ridgewood, NY
Birmingham, AL
Meerut, India
Melbourne, Austrailia
Sunnyvale, CA
Dallas, TX
Emeryville, CA
Potters Bay, United Kingdom
Little Rock, AR
Granger, IN
Beverly Hills, CA
Americus, GA
Seneca, SC
Hollis Center, MN

All these and more since Jan 1, 2010.

Welcome to those of you who visit this site from around the world.  Please take a minute to comment and let us know where you are from and what brought you to our site.

God bless you!

25 Years and Counting Part 4

Lesson - Things are just that, things!

In the beginning of our marriage we had nothing.  I can remember moving my stuff into Tina's apartment, well room would be more appropriate.  Prior to our wedding day Tina and I had moved her into a new apartment that would make our first home.  I can still remember the fun we had beginning our new life together.  The apartment was a two story loft with living room and kitchen on the first floor, stair to the side with the bedroom over looking the living room.  If my memory serves me I believe it was somewhere around 500 square feet of massive living space.

In the first few years we struggles like all couples do, but the two things we splurged on were a TV and of course Stereo.   We bought a 27" Magnavox console TV (hey it was the biggest you could get) with swivel base.  It was somewhere in between the size of a king sized bed and a full dining room set, I mean massive.  Later I visited the local HiFi Buys and bought a Kenwood stereo with turn table, cassette deck and EQ and 4' tall HI/FI Speakers.  Man we were up town.

During our 25 years we have had a lot of things but what we have learned the most is things are just that, things.  There have been times when we bought things we couldn't afford but thought we couldn't live without and most often realized that we weren't any happier when we got them.

I think the advise I would give couples today is to enjoy the years when you have nothing and don't kill yourself or finance your future away for stuff.  Stuff breaks, goes out of styles, becomes obsolete and just doesn't live up to what other couples have.  There have been times when friends had way more than we did.  I can remember getting jealous and mad.  But through it all I have learned that our marriage isn't complete by what we have in our hands, but what we live out in our lives.

Don't let things cause you to loose the only real things that matters, the love, intimacy and joy of sharing your life with the one God has blessed you to live this life with. 


Lesson - A bouquet will go a long way

For those who don't know my story I came from a single parent home.  My mother remarried when I was 12-13 however i didn't give my step father the chance to be a real dad to me and missed out on some great advise and guidance.

One area that I totally missed was the romance that every man must learn and practice to be a nurturing husband to his spouse.  Like children, marriage does not come with an instruction manuel and there weren't many marriage help books in those days.  I had to learn a lot of what I know about being a husband from watching others and making terrible mistakes.

Probably the biggest mistake I made was when our first child Whitney was born.  We waited for that day as most new parents do, prepared the baby room, made sure the car was ready, packed the suit case and waited.  On our last visit to the doctors office everything seemed to be normal and he estimated a delivery within a few days.  As he said a few days later Tina punched me and said, "It time!'  We loaded the car and took off to the hospital and went to the maternity section of the hospital.  When the doctors checker Tina, Whitney had decided to exit feet first and a C-section would be required.  She was prepped for surgery and our first child was delivered and everything was fine, or so I thought.

Fast forward to about 3 years down the road and we were having one of those husband/wives disagreements and I was winning.  About that time Tina burst into tears (for those of you who don't know Tina, she is a red head and looks like Lucille Ball when she cries) and said, "Well, you didn't even send me flowers when our daughter was born!"  Stop the action, What?  She went on to tell me how much it had hurt her for me to not thank her for all the pain she had endured by not sending a bouquet of flowers.

Since that time I have learned the value of the bouquet.  Men listen to me, send flowers!  Send them when you don't even think it will help, it does.  Now the first piece of advice I have for new dads is, "Hey, you did send her a bouquet didn't you?"  If they say anything but yes I kick them in the butt, because I know if I don't their wife will.

25 Years and Counting Part 3

This is the third part of a multi-part blog post sharing with you the top 25 (maybe more to come) things I have learned in my 25 years of marriage.  As I drove into the office this morning it hit me, I am old.  To have been married for 25 year puts me up in the years age wise.  I also pondered the fact that fewer marriages in today's world make it to the 25 year mark.  It is my prayer that Tina and I both live to see another 25 years together, in fact I can't imagine it not being so.

I pray that you enjoy these postings, but also pray that God might use them to strengthen you own marriage.  You can be sure of one thing I am praying for our married couples that we could become an example to the world around us when it comes to great marriages.

Lesson: Forgive as you want to be forgiven

Forgiveness is something we all are in need of daily.   Not only do we need forgiveness from God, mostly due to our selfish desire, but we need forgiveness in our relationships.  When it comes to forgiveness we to often are quick to forgive friends, family and acquaintances and slow to forgive our spouse.

It occurred to me that when it comes to enjoying a good relationship with Tina I must learn to forgive as I would want to forgive.  Listen to what the Bible says about it:

Luke 6:31 (MSG)

³¹ "Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them!

How do you want the love of your life to act when you offend them.  If you want them to hold on to hurts and pains you have caused in their lives, then you do the same thing.  Hurts and pains left unattended will cause infections that lead to amputation.  It is common when counseling to see in marriage places that have been amputated due to unforgiveness.

The Bible also talks about forgiveness this way:
Matthew 6:14-15 (MSG)
¹⁴ "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. ¹⁵ If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
To help you in translation, if you refuse to forgive then it will be impossible for God to forgive you.


Lesson - Forget the past

A lesson I have learned that goes hand in hand with forgiveness is to forget.  I once saw a sketch by Nicole Johnson about keeping score.  In the sketch both husband and wife carried around notepads with tallies of each wrong the other committed during the day.  At the end of the day the tally was compared and discussed.

Since sports are at the forefront of our society it is very easy to learn to keep score.  To hold on to those things that people do to you and then protect ourselves from every being hurt again.  The unfortunate thing about this mentality is it leads to isolation.  We build walls of protections preventing others from getting close to us.


If you are going to make it 25 years in any relationship we have to learn to let go of the past.  Forget it!  For some that may be the hardest thing to do in life, however when we do it frees us up to love in the right way.

I can remember a very difficult time in Tina and my marriage, a time when it almost ended.  It was my fault, I did some stupid things, broke trust and hurt Tina really bad.  It has taken years to repair the damage.  If Tina chooses to hold onto the past and not forget it will place stumbling blocks in our path to intimacy and growth as a couple.  To forget the past allows us to move forward and love as we should.


God is the greatest example of one who forgets, listen:
Hebrews 8:12 (MSG)
¹² They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean.

I don't know about you, but I for one am glad God wiped my slate clean!

25 Years and Counting Part 2

Lesson - Money ain't worth much

Studies show that one of the biggest issues in marriage is money.  I would be lying if I told you money hasn't been at the forefront of mine and Tina's marriage over the years.  In fact just as expected money has at time caused some pretty high tension.

But the biggest lesson I have learned is money ain't worth much.  I have learned that no amount (or lack thereof) of money is worth breaking my relationship with my wife.

In our 25 years together we have had times of wealth and times when we didn't have anything.  I remember a time when we were so poor (relative to our culture) that we didn't have any money to buy groceries, at night I would cook a pizza at Domino's and we would count tips and eat at 2am together on our bed (really good memories).  Contrastingly I can remember a time when money was not an object and we had anything we wanted, if I remember correctly those were the most dreadful days of our marriage.  I worked long hours, spent to much time alone and neglected my walk with Christ and my wife and baby girl (I really regret those days)

What we can learn is that money does not buy you love or happiness.  Love and happiness are an attitude and choice.  Money does not buy you satisfaction or peace.  Money does not give you status or popularity.  Money ain't worth much!

Finally our greatest lesson learned about money is trust God with everything we have.  During our time together all but a few years have been given to ministry of some type and although ministry will never make you rich, giving our lives to God does.  We have the privilege to see God work in the lives of those we are entrusted with.  You can be sure that money ain't worth much, but serving God's family is the greatest wealth a man can be afforded.


Well, that's about it today.  My next post will be entitled: Forgive as you want to be forgiven.  See you then!