25 Years and Counting Part 4

Lesson - Things are just that, things!

In the beginning of our marriage we had nothing.  I can remember moving my stuff into Tina's apartment, well room would be more appropriate.  Prior to our wedding day Tina and I had moved her into a new apartment that would make our first home.  I can still remember the fun we had beginning our new life together.  The apartment was a two story loft with living room and kitchen on the first floor, stair to the side with the bedroom over looking the living room.  If my memory serves me I believe it was somewhere around 500 square feet of massive living space.

In the first few years we struggles like all couples do, but the two things we splurged on were a TV and of course Stereo.   We bought a 27" Magnavox console TV (hey it was the biggest you could get) with swivel base.  It was somewhere in between the size of a king sized bed and a full dining room set, I mean massive.  Later I visited the local HiFi Buys and bought a Kenwood stereo with turn table, cassette deck and EQ and 4' tall HI/FI Speakers.  Man we were up town.

During our 25 years we have had a lot of things but what we have learned the most is things are just that, things.  There have been times when we bought things we couldn't afford but thought we couldn't live without and most often realized that we weren't any happier when we got them.

I think the advise I would give couples today is to enjoy the years when you have nothing and don't kill yourself or finance your future away for stuff.  Stuff breaks, goes out of styles, becomes obsolete and just doesn't live up to what other couples have.  There have been times when friends had way more than we did.  I can remember getting jealous and mad.  But through it all I have learned that our marriage isn't complete by what we have in our hands, but what we live out in our lives.

Don't let things cause you to loose the only real things that matters, the love, intimacy and joy of sharing your life with the one God has blessed you to live this life with. 


Lesson - A bouquet will go a long way

For those who don't know my story I came from a single parent home.  My mother remarried when I was 12-13 however i didn't give my step father the chance to be a real dad to me and missed out on some great advise and guidance.

One area that I totally missed was the romance that every man must learn and practice to be a nurturing husband to his spouse.  Like children, marriage does not come with an instruction manuel and there weren't many marriage help books in those days.  I had to learn a lot of what I know about being a husband from watching others and making terrible mistakes.

Probably the biggest mistake I made was when our first child Whitney was born.  We waited for that day as most new parents do, prepared the baby room, made sure the car was ready, packed the suit case and waited.  On our last visit to the doctors office everything seemed to be normal and he estimated a delivery within a few days.  As he said a few days later Tina punched me and said, "It time!'  We loaded the car and took off to the hospital and went to the maternity section of the hospital.  When the doctors checker Tina, Whitney had decided to exit feet first and a C-section would be required.  She was prepped for surgery and our first child was delivered and everything was fine, or so I thought.

Fast forward to about 3 years down the road and we were having one of those husband/wives disagreements and I was winning.  About that time Tina burst into tears (for those of you who don't know Tina, she is a red head and looks like Lucille Ball when she cries) and said, "Well, you didn't even send me flowers when our daughter was born!"  Stop the action, What?  She went on to tell me how much it had hurt her for me to not thank her for all the pain she had endured by not sending a bouquet of flowers.

Since that time I have learned the value of the bouquet.  Men listen to me, send flowers!  Send them when you don't even think it will help, it does.  Now the first piece of advice I have for new dads is, "Hey, you did send her a bouquet didn't you?"  If they say anything but yes I kick them in the butt, because I know if I don't their wife will.

25 Years and Counting Part 3

This is the third part of a multi-part blog post sharing with you the top 25 (maybe more to come) things I have learned in my 25 years of marriage.  As I drove into the office this morning it hit me, I am old.  To have been married for 25 year puts me up in the years age wise.  I also pondered the fact that fewer marriages in today's world make it to the 25 year mark.  It is my prayer that Tina and I both live to see another 25 years together, in fact I can't imagine it not being so.

I pray that you enjoy these postings, but also pray that God might use them to strengthen you own marriage.  You can be sure of one thing I am praying for our married couples that we could become an example to the world around us when it comes to great marriages.

Lesson: Forgive as you want to be forgiven

Forgiveness is something we all are in need of daily.   Not only do we need forgiveness from God, mostly due to our selfish desire, but we need forgiveness in our relationships.  When it comes to forgiveness we to often are quick to forgive friends, family and acquaintances and slow to forgive our spouse.

It occurred to me that when it comes to enjoying a good relationship with Tina I must learn to forgive as I would want to forgive.  Listen to what the Bible says about it:

Luke 6:31 (MSG)

³¹ "Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them!

How do you want the love of your life to act when you offend them.  If you want them to hold on to hurts and pains you have caused in their lives, then you do the same thing.  Hurts and pains left unattended will cause infections that lead to amputation.  It is common when counseling to see in marriage places that have been amputated due to unforgiveness.

The Bible also talks about forgiveness this way:
Matthew 6:14-15 (MSG)
¹⁴ "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. ¹⁵ If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
To help you in translation, if you refuse to forgive then it will be impossible for God to forgive you.


Lesson - Forget the past

A lesson I have learned that goes hand in hand with forgiveness is to forget.  I once saw a sketch by Nicole Johnson about keeping score.  In the sketch both husband and wife carried around notepads with tallies of each wrong the other committed during the day.  At the end of the day the tally was compared and discussed.

Since sports are at the forefront of our society it is very easy to learn to keep score.  To hold on to those things that people do to you and then protect ourselves from every being hurt again.  The unfortunate thing about this mentality is it leads to isolation.  We build walls of protections preventing others from getting close to us.


If you are going to make it 25 years in any relationship we have to learn to let go of the past.  Forget it!  For some that may be the hardest thing to do in life, however when we do it frees us up to love in the right way.

I can remember a very difficult time in Tina and my marriage, a time when it almost ended.  It was my fault, I did some stupid things, broke trust and hurt Tina really bad.  It has taken years to repair the damage.  If Tina chooses to hold onto the past and not forget it will place stumbling blocks in our path to intimacy and growth as a couple.  To forget the past allows us to move forward and love as we should.


God is the greatest example of one who forgets, listen:
Hebrews 8:12 (MSG)
¹² They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean.

I don't know about you, but I for one am glad God wiped my slate clean!

25 Years and Counting Part 2

Lesson - Money ain't worth much

Studies show that one of the biggest issues in marriage is money.  I would be lying if I told you money hasn't been at the forefront of mine and Tina's marriage over the years.  In fact just as expected money has at time caused some pretty high tension.

But the biggest lesson I have learned is money ain't worth much.  I have learned that no amount (or lack thereof) of money is worth breaking my relationship with my wife.

In our 25 years together we have had times of wealth and times when we didn't have anything.  I remember a time when we were so poor (relative to our culture) that we didn't have any money to buy groceries, at night I would cook a pizza at Domino's and we would count tips and eat at 2am together on our bed (really good memories).  Contrastingly I can remember a time when money was not an object and we had anything we wanted, if I remember correctly those were the most dreadful days of our marriage.  I worked long hours, spent to much time alone and neglected my walk with Christ and my wife and baby girl (I really regret those days)

What we can learn is that money does not buy you love or happiness.  Love and happiness are an attitude and choice.  Money does not buy you satisfaction or peace.  Money does not give you status or popularity.  Money ain't worth much!

Finally our greatest lesson learned about money is trust God with everything we have.  During our time together all but a few years have been given to ministry of some type and although ministry will never make you rich, giving our lives to God does.  We have the privilege to see God work in the lives of those we are entrusted with.  You can be sure that money ain't worth much, but serving God's family is the greatest wealth a man can be afforded.


Well, that's about it today.  My next post will be entitled: Forgive as you want to be forgiven.  See you then!

25 Years and Counting Part 1

As many of you know on Feb. 23 Tina and I will have been married for 25 years.  Just the other day somebody asked me how we did it, and then asked for some advice.  I thought about that and decided to share with you at least 25 things I have learned over these amazing years with the bride of my youth.

Let me first tell you that I am incredibly in love with Tina.  I can most assuredly tell you that I love her more today than I did when I married her, guess it just works that way.  In fact if you don't love your spouse more today, then you are not working at it. So lets get going! 

I would be naive to think that I have learned all there is about marriage and I beginning to realizing that I have a long way to go, but it is my sincere desire to take what I have learned and encourage others in their marriage.

Let me set some ground rules for my sharing:
1. These are not in order chronologically.
2. I didn't learn all these in the first 5-10 years, most took longer (I am slow like that).
3. You may not have to learn all of these as I did.  How you were raised will determine that.
4. Marriage is hard and it takes work, I love the work if you are asking.
5. A healthy successful marriage begins with God at the center.
6. I gave each lesson a unique name and posted thoughts to help make my point.

Lesson One -  The Gambler Lesson

Kenny Rogers released a song some years ago called the Gambler.  For those of you old enough to remember the song you will recognize the chorus:
                      You got to know when to hold 'em,
                      Know when to fold 'em,
                      Know when to walk away,
                      Know when to run.
                      You don't count your money,
                      While your sittin' at the table,
                      There will time enough for counting when the dealin's done.

So what does this have to do with Marriage?

As I have counseled many who were on their way to the chapel to say, "I do's", I have learned a most important lesson, we all have to be good at Gambling.

Marriage begins with the game we call dating.  I will be the first to tell you that dating is a flawed system and in my counsel today I encourage a modified dating system for singles.  What I find so often is during the dating process the biggest mistakes are made.  You have to do what the song says, know when!

So many people today marry for the wrong reasons and wake up one day realizing that they made an enormous mistake, mistakes that will cost them their future. 

A wise gambler will know the rules of the table and know when his investment is taking him further than he is willing to go.  Go with me here a little.  When you have a bad hand you can either fold or bluff.  So many today attempt a bluff out of fear of being alone, or their clock was ticking beyond the "acceptable" time, maybe even due to pressure from parents.  However when you bluff, you have to be willing to stand on the hand.  A wiser choice would be to fold 'em and walk away and yes sometimes you need to run (P.S. Some of you need to learn to listen to those who love you and listen to the advise given by those who care).

Quite honestly in today's sexually raged society the only consideration one has in dating is to fulfil a very selfish need of physical gratification with no consideration of what is lost.  If you know your opponent (Satan) has two Aces in his hand and is playing as a cheat (another Ace under the table) you wouldn't bet all in.  But tragically so many jump without considering the consequences and their hand couldn't win under any circumstance.

The Gambler Lesson helps us to see how important it is to allow God to lead you to the wife/husband He designed for you.  Don't settle for second best, wait and allow God to bring you the best.

Before going on one might ask this question: What do you do when you realize you made a bad decision?  Easy - Honor God by honoring your commitment, ask God to give you a heart of love for the one you said you love, ultimately remember God allows do-overs and when we are faithful, He is faithful (I didn't mean in that we can walk away, once you are all in and it's time to show your cards you are at the mercy of your decision, suck it up and do the right thing).

Lesson Two - Don't get even, get even

Depending on how you were raised will determine how you fight.  Every good marriage has it's fights.  I have often heard some exclaim that they never have fights in their marriage.  One of two things is true of those marriages: 1) You never talk and/or 2) You never spend time together.  If you are breathing and you are in a relationship with another human there will be conflict.  Most men just agreed with that statement and I would go further by saying every man needs a good woman to teach him how to have conflict (just kidding ladies).

It is important to consider as well that men and women fight differently.  When men fight they can beat the fool out of each other, shake hands and go on with life as normal.  But women when they fight it's for keeps.  Two women will beat, pull hair, pinch and scream at one another, it never ends and goes on to eternity.   They hate one another forever.  Knowing this helps you be a better husband, trust me on that one.

Conflict in marriage is normal, how you resolve that conflict is critical to your making it beyond the 5-10 year mark.  The thing missing from most marriages is premarital counseling that teaches couples how to resolve conflict.  The Bible gives us one small nugget of truth that when we heed it we will find success: 

Ephesians 4:26-27 (MSG)
²⁶ Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. ²⁷ Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.



So what do I mean by Don't get even, get even.  When conflict comes into your relationship you have to lower yourself to a point of submission to admit that any conflict that gets out of control is sinful and does not represent Christ and His love for us.  The Bible teaches us to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile.  When we do this we exhibit the work of Christ in our lives.


Get even by allowing yourself to look at the circumstances surrounding the conflict and determine what will be helpful too resolve the conflict.  Once you slow down and seek to resolve conflict you will be capable of becoming a peacemaker.  Scripture say:
Matthew 5:9 (MSG)
⁹ "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.



That's about it for today.  I hope to post more in the days to come.  I truly pray this encourages and help you build a lasting relationship as examples of Christ unfailing love.

It’s Not About You

I am posting to everyone Mark Waltz Best Practice #26. As I read this again today it was an encouragement as to what we do , Not only on Sunday, but each day.

Guest Services Best Practice #26: It’s Not About You
Accept it. It's not about you. Not completely.
Around Granger there probably was a time when it was all about you. The cafe
was about you. The shuttles were about you. The kids' launch zone slides were
about you. The smoke and lights and music was about you.
But, after you've been around awhile, after you've agreed to join the mission we
share - it's not about you.
it's about others. Others who aren't here yet or who are new to our church.
After being around a bit, you become a "regular", even a member. It's easy to let a
sense of entitlement settle in. You can start to wonder "what's in it for me?" You
can wish the music was more your style; think the cafe should carry your brand of
coffee.
But joining the mission of the church isn't about entitlement or comfort. It's about
shared responsibility. It's about sacrifice. It's about others.
Others who'll take our parking spot, our favorite seat, and the attention of the
guest services teams.
Yep. That's right.
You in? It's not about you.
It's about Jesus and the others he died for, too.

I hope this encouraged you too!

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Seems to be a lot of...

wondering what to do in the New Year. I want you to consider the last thing God asked you to do. Were you faithful to complete it? "Oh but this is a new year, all is wiped clean." Sure... consider the words of Paul. Here he is addressing the Philippians as he is imprisoned. Many thought this would stop him from sharing the message but it didn't.

Philippians 1:18-21 So how am I to respond? I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, so I just cheer them on! And I'm going to keep that celebration going because I know how it's going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don't expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn't shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I'm Christ's messenger; dead, I'm his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can't lose.
22-26As long as I'm alive in this body, there is good work for me to do.

"Paul was determined that nothing would stop him from doing exactly what God wanted.
But before we choose to follow God’s will, a crisis must develop in our lives. This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God’s gentler nudges. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate. He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide— for or against. That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives. If a crisis has come to you on any front, surrender your will to Jesus absolutely and irrevocably." Oswald Chambers

If God has called you to do something and you have not completed it, he isn't gonna give you something new just because of the calendar change. Pick yourself up and put your foot forward into 2010 and follow through!